girl, not confusing

the fig tree on navigating friendships and protecting your peace. that "friend" isn't really your friend, she's just a narcissistic b*tch.

Growing up in the mid 2010’s, I often immersed myself in coming of age movies and multi-season television shows featuring the ‘found family’ trope. I enviously watched the adventures of Harry, Ron and Hermione, contemplating if I’d ever find a bond as unwavering as that. I wistfully observed the dynamic between Blair and Serena, a ‘frenemy-ship’ I’d later grow up to find toxic (but that is a post for another time).

In my early teens, I became obsessed with one show in particular. Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD. The loyalty between the team - it was something I began to crave deeply. This inherent need to have a ‘found family’, unwavering loyalty and mutual understanding type of friendship has been my greatest kryptonite in my teenage years.

One particularly irritating habit was my instinct to view every friendship with rose tinted glasses. I felt comfort in big friendship groups, where we all had inside jokes and hung out regularly. If I had a quid for every girl I considered my ‘best friend’ at the age of fourteen, I’d be a direct threat to elon musk. And God forbid someone voiced their concerns about one of my many friendships, I’d completely disregard it. There was no challenging my beliefs, for I had achieved something my eleven year old self had spent years fantasising about. I believed that I had the kind of ride or die friendship I had always looked for. The kind of bond between Jemma and Daisy, Harry and Ron, Elena and Bonnie. I was convinced that my friendship group, the very friendship group that relentlessly mocked me under the guise of ‘banter’, was my own high school found family. And how wrong I was proven to be.

charli wrote girl, so confusing about them!

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During family gatherings, I often find myself being asked one question more-so than others. Being the eldest cousin on my father’s side, I have had the privilege of seeing my cousins grow up. At their age, I had always wanted an older sister, a mentor who knew about the cool fashion stuff and boys and friendship advice. I intend on being that for them and that is why they come to me with friendship problems and secondary school drama. “If she’s my bestie,” one cousin asks fretfully. “Why is she treating me this way? Why does she pretend I don’t exist in front of the other girls? Is it me? Am I the problem?”

Am I the problem?

This is a question that had once been etched in my diary entries, scribbled on passed around post-its, typed on wikihow, commented on mildly sketchy digital forums. I could never understand, why would they never reciprocate the same energy I gave them? Why did they make unkind jokes around others, but wiped my tears when the classroom was empty?

I laugh about it now, but there was one girl I had supposedly befriended in year seven. She would practically sell herself for popularity, there was no limit she wouldn’t go surpass. Nor would she recognise loyalty even if it bit her in the arse. Taking pity on her, I let her play games on my phone during form time. She’d repay me by secretly setting alarms to humiliate me in front of our peers. I was nothing but a 4 foot wide-eyed source of entertainment, a means of popularity to her. I would let her buy lunch with the money my mum had given me, and she would assure me that she’d pay me back. It’s been over a decade K, give me my money back! Even when she recorded me changing to play in front of my entire geography class (she wanted to humiliate me in front of my crush, something that tremendously backfired on her), I forgave her.

I was too forgiving, too excited by the prospect of having a real friend I could joke and giggle about crushes with. It is awkward to say that it took me almost the entirety of my teenage years to move past my excessive forgiveness phase. I was a girl so terrified of not being able to experience the very cinematic portrayal of friendships rotting my brain, that I would compromise my own dignity for it.

2021 was no better. I forgave my friendship group again. And again. I made some progress after I refused to speak to them during my GCSEs (following a particularly traumatic incident I will not speak about lest I trigger someone), but I offered them a final chance in the summer. It perplexes me, how some individuals are so capable of screwing up even the smallest of things, purely due to their stubbornness. They are so deranged, so lost in their self imposed rationality, that they cannot seem to understand that they are in the wrong. People like this, they’ll never grow out of it. A controversial opinion I express to my cousins who come to me for advice. By the time they do make slight progress, you’ll be flourishing and thriving miles ahead. The distance on the map has grown too much. Let it continue to grow. It is a good thing.

Probably my final straw was the friendship group I formed in the first year of university, a group I allowed to see inside my sphere of many weaknesses. I was desperate for a fresh start and overly emphasised my bubbly personality, so much so that people would come to think of me stupid. In all honesty, it was just a silly mind game that transformed into what others deemed me to be. A mere label. Upon rewatching Pretty Little Liars, I found solace in Hanna. The way others undermined her intellect due to her outspoken and bubbly nature, it was something I fundamentally relate to.

Fresher: What course do you do? (the awkward and much dreaded question.)

Me: Law and International Relations.

Fresher: Sorry?

[I repeat myself tiredly.]

Fresher: Oh. I got a different vibe.

Some jokingly referred to me as the ‘weak link’ of the group. Others completely ignored my presence until I later lost considerable weight. But the notion of a friendship group where we all hung out, some dated - it was an idea that felt endearing to me. I once again found myself getting caught in the loop of ignoring red flags. Justifying toxic and insecure behaviour. However, I was fortunate this time. The veil placed on my eyes began to lift. I now understood how toxic certain members of this group were for me. I recognised that the girl I had once admired for her confrontational nature was nothing but a raging insecure narcissist. I had a best friend that was genuine in her actions, that understood my needs and I understood hers. We both were equally ‘giving’ back to each other. She was and is still essentially my sister, reminding me of how I was falling into my recurring trap and must leave before I was too far gone.

Things were also complex at this time, that is just how life is. I was interested in one of my male friends and had even informed baba. Afraid that I’d lose out on a potential match, I stuck to the group. The resentment I felt towards them soon changed course and began to gnaw on my mind. During this period, I bought the cutest pink diary I could find and resumed my old habit of jotting down every thought that consumed me. It brought me a sense of innate calm, scribbling down my thoughts on each friendship and the signs I had seen yet chosen to ignore. I have decided to share them with you, inspired by my latest narcissist of a friend as a good example of what not to be.

1. ‘Friends’ who make jabs at you in front of others, desperate to publicly humiliate you. They are so deeply insecure that they feel comfort in challenging you in this way. “But I was only joking!” F*ck them.

2. The secret to a real friendship is avoiding vulnerability, unless you’re absolutely certain. Yet that is still a risk to take. It may pay off, but often it doesn’t. Instead invest in a journal to express your feelings and keep it locked away from prying eyes.

3. A smaller circle of genuine friends is better than a group of fake ones. Quality does matter more than quantity. While it is true that there are downsides to not having a friend group, there is nothing in the world that is worth compromising your inner peace for. Nothing.

4. Avoid girls who completely switch up in front of guys. Quite frankly, I will never understand this. There is not a man alive I’d pick over my close friends. I don’t particularly enjoy clubbing, but a good example I’ve observed are girls who will pretend to care for you and suddenly disappear. Now you’re left to fend for yourself. It is basic decency to watch over and protect your friends, those who fail at this don’t deserve the courtesy of being acknowledged.

5. ‘Friends’ who excessively shit talk. I promise you angel, they are also shit talking you to others. I’m sorry, but if your only personality is talking smack about people in their absence, it just SCREAMS insecure. I don’t want friends who project those insecurities on me. There’s more than enough space under the spotlight for both of us!

6. Set clear boundaries. It is never politeness to compromise your own self worth for the sake of others. There is nothing awkward about affirming what you look for in a friendship. Just state it matter-of-factly: “I’m not cool with you making jokes about me in front of others. It’s just shitty.” And if they don’t like this, then you better avoid them.

7. This is quite contentious, but neutral friends. It is true that it is a matter of circumstance. But in most cases, a friend to all is a friend to none. Personally, I want loyal friends who have my back publicly in an argument, but are able to educate me if I’m wrong in private. I don’t want enablers either. Side note, if people are comfortable backbiting about me in your presence, are you really the ‘great friend’ you claim to be?

8. Social media. We live in an age governed by curated feeds and the idea of being perceived. There are many problematic sentiments to be observed here, but the fact that we make use of social media to stay up-to-date and keep in touch is irrefutable. Therefore, it does honestly matter. For instance, purposefully ignoring my posts and not commenting does convey a hater vibe. Every individual is different, I’ve expressed that a birthday story wish does matter to me and that’s just how I am. At the crux of friendship is the idea of ‘giving back’. Your friend might have different reasonable expectations of you that they should mention, and if you care about them, you’d respect them. Simple as.

9. Another controversial take: prioritise female friendships over male ones. While it is true that you can get lucky with a decent guy friend (I cannot say I’m reasonable and then generalise), I have observed that guys view friendships quite differently. Since we both want different things, with immature guys (which seems to be a common phenomenon) it’s likely that you’ll clash. This purely comes down to the difference in emotional intellect. Studies prove that girls possess more emotional (and general) intelligence. When we care, we care with every figment of our being. As cliche and painfully corny as it sounds, yes, I would take an entire round of bullets for my closest friends. Guys don’t tend to understand us in the same way girls do. Then, there are the typical idiots who only befriend those they deem attractive. The second they change their mind, they metamorphose into the most cruel of creatures. There had once been a guy who would’ve done pretty much anything I asked of him (albeit for selfish reasons). Then his perception of me ceased and he became the source of my 2024 trauma (I just think he’s a toad now). Not every man will be as despicable, but there is truth in the fact that they don’t understand us as deeply as other women do. We are one of the same, sharing the same divine experience of womanhood. It may come in different forms, but the idea is inherently the same. Prioritise your female friendships, they will be the most rewarding of all.

me and my hg

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I have been aching to write this advice piece on friendships for so long and so so SO badly. I was on my usual long commute and charli started playing on my playlist and let’s be so for real, we all have that one “friend” we think of when we hear Girl, so confusing. This essentially inspired me to write this piece!

I love u guys!! and I truly cannot wait until the 100 subscriber special <3 it’ll be something raw and so personal for me but I look forward to hearing your thoughts hehe. Side note: if you have any topic in particular you’d recommend me to tackle, I would appreciate hearing from you in the comments! :)

lots of love xx

alee :)

thanks for reading <3